Am I responsible?

I often hit the crossroads
In the journey of parenting
Not while I brought up my two darling daughters
But during bringing up my adopted son.

I keep reminding myself when stuck often
The oath I took sixteen years back
That I am the one responsible for him
No matter what comes my way, I vowed.

I blamed myself for all he did
His underperformance as per societal expectations
His academics, his little yet significant unimaginable crimes
And his made-up stories to escape.

But today I regret
For that one impulsive decision
I took about adoption
I wish back then I knew what it held for me in store.

In the pursuit of becoming an Alpha mom
I did the best of my ability
Trying out all the permutations and combinations
Working with the trial and error methods.

Pushing my boundaries of patience and effort
I kept saying to myself, one last time
But all I am seeing him today is a super lazy bug,
An irresponsible child, an aggressive argumentative teen, a brat.

Can I blame myself for what he has grown up into?
Can he be my yardstick to gauge my efficiency?
Doesn’t genes too play an important role?
I need to keep asking myself to come to terms.

When he just isn’t ready to take charge of his life
I just cannot impose on him
Bidding goodbye to my guilt feeling
I choose to be unapologetic.

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